Hey my lovelies🤍

It’s been a long minute hey, I am not quite sure how I am supposed to start this blog but I just want to write out anything that is on my mind right now. This year has been a roller coaster,I cried but I also celebrated.

If any one of you is on TikTok or maybe Instagram (I am not there lol), you have probably seen the “and with that the 2023 season comes to an end, goodnight” trend. If you haven’t I will break it down for you Besty, it’s basically a trend were people combine their videos for 2023 and give a recap in one video. I have seen a lot of them, and it’s really so cute to see people’s recaps of 2023. I really wanted to hop on the challenge but hey, I just don’t have enough videos for the trend, cos most of the times your Besty was struggling.

But through it all I would just love to thank God who held my hand from the beginning of this year up until now and I know He will continue sustaining me. I have been trying to reflect on this year and every time I end up breaking down because, had it not been for the Lord who was in my side, I would have perished. I want to thank the Lord that rescued me from the suicidal thoughts,the counterfeit relationships and self-harm.

This is not my normal type of blogs, it’s more like a recap of my 2023 but in words lol. This year I struggled a lot emotionally, I attempted suicide, I got depressed and I begged God to take the pain away. I spent a whole year without seeing my family and it has been one of the most painful things I have had to make peace with. I endured heartbreak, trauma, financial strains, family drama and I have grieved the loss my friend who died during my finals (may your soul continue restintg in God’s peace Nenyanyu🕊️).

But even when the storms where there, I thank God who has sustained me. Thank You Lord that when I passed through the flames, I did not get burned, that the waters did not sweep me away. That You held my hand when people walked away, that You were my provision when we started living from pay check to pay check. I am thankful that the enemy did not have the last laugh or say and he never will in the name of Jesus. Thank You for the families that took me in during the holidays when I felt abandoned. That even when the odds where up against me Daddy, you made it possible for me to graduate. Thank You that You re-ignited my passion once again. Thank You that when I called, You answered and thank You for fighting for me when I had no strength to continue. Thank You that You breathed new life in me and thank You for my wonderful friends. I am truly out of words and I am amazed at how You kept me sane, when I could have lost my mind. Thank You because, You are my on time God. Your beloved has come back to say thank You😭.

I think it’s very easy for us to say “Just trust in God” but hey, nobody talks about how painful it is, especially if you struggle with control. Chiiiiile, this year I had given up on my faith and God completely, but it didn’t do me any good. That decision only led me along a path of more heartache and extreme emotional pain. Until I realized that, God is everything I will ever need in this lifetime and I mean that with all my being. I say this, because I tried to do it in my own and I failed miserably but He still was faithful to me even when I was faithless to Him.

I don’t know who this is for, but please don’t give up on God. He is nothing like human beings. People will fail us yes, but God? Naaah, He will never. For the one whose soul is tired because the year has taken a toll on you, I pray for you that you will rest in Jesus, that is what I have been doing ever since I finished my exams. I took time off from Whatsapp and it has been peaceful.

I noticed that there is a lot of pressure to take time off at the end of each year to rest. But what about those that have been working even during the festive season or those who are mentally exhausted even until the very last day of the year because, they have been fighting battles after battles? I want to encourage you that you can still rest in God. I don’t think resting entirely means the absence of activities, but it has to do with a stillness in the midst of them.

Rest is not an absence of activities, but a stillness in the midst of them.

-A girl after Jesus

And if you do need a few days to just rest even physically, i advice you to take a few days off and seek God’s direction for 2024. I think if you can make it to a cross over service it will even do you good. Fight to be in the presence of God always, He will restore your soul.

Anyways besties, I feel like I have said a butch of things, but the one thing I want to end with is applauding y’all for making it to the end of 2023. I am so proud of us, we made it even when it wasn’t easy and we fought silent battles. God has sustained us and we made it my sweethearts. Tomorrow if you can, buy yourself something that you really love like ice cream, cake or even some champagne and celebrate yourself. Pat yourself on the back, and celebrate how far God has brought you my lovely. I pray that 2024 will be a little lighter, but even if the year remains the same, I pray that you will evolve 🥹.

Happy New Year my lovelies🥰🎉.

Love, Matilda ❤️.

Hi besticles♥️

I know I have been MIA on here and I apologize, I guess I got my priorities mixed up. But I can’t promise if I am back for good or if I will be consistent,I feel like that’s a huge vow to make for now,but any whooo I have a little something to share with y’all.

I usually tell people that God loves them even when they feel alone. When a friend is going through a rough patch and they open up to me, I am very quick to remind them that God loves them and I do also. Lately though, I felt challenged or even conflicted because I began to wonder why it’s so hard for me to believe the same thing for myself, because when I tell people that they are loved I really expect them to believe it with every fiber of their beings. That I really mean it to a point that I don’t want them to ever to feel alone, that they can pick up the phone and you know just give me a call if they ever needed a shoulder to lean on and cry. But oh boy, if the tables are flipped and it comes to me, I sometimes find it really hard to believe.

I know that the moments where I really felt alone, I experienced a great amount of fear too. Fear that my world was crumbling down and I didn’t have anyone to hold onto. But that is the lie of the enemy because God has promised to never leave us nor forsake us (Joshua 1:5). And while I know this truth, I still have moments where I questioned God’s love for me. I still find myself asking questions like God why? Or if He is blind to my sufferings and misfortunes. And just like Jesus I have asked why He has forsaken me on several occasions. Before you pull out the judgment card, please be reminded I am only human lol.

This post is a reminder for the ones who feel like God has turned a blind eye on them. The ones who cry themselves to sleep, or the ones who don’t feel like facing another day because they feel like the rising of each sun only comes with trouble and pain. I am here to remind us that we are truly loved. And perfect love casts out all fear. God has us written on the palm of His hands, He hasn’t forgotten about us at all and He never will. (Isaiah 49:15)

God’s love for us is unconditional there is nothing that we can do that can make God love us less or more. His love is constant. He saw it fit to give up His one and only begotten Son to die for us (John 3:16). I pray that we allow God to bring us to a place that we feel so loved that when the storms of life arise, we never feel like we are alone, but He is riding the storms with us. Last week, a very dear friend of mine Jinny told me that, when she feels alone she calls on the name of Jesus continuously until she begins to feel His presence and I honestly think that it’s such a beautiful thing to do, because many times our minds and our spirits need a reminder that He is closer than we think and all we have to do is call unto His name.

I really don’t know what giants you are up against, but I really want you to know that as you face your giants and slay them because I know you will. Be reminded that, Your Heavenly Father loves you deeply and He knows every detail of your life. You are His beloved and His bride. Like how the groom can never forget His bride. He too can never forget about you. Baby you aren’t an orphan, you should call on His name. He will answer and He wants to hear from you. Oh and by the way, the girl behind the screen just had a mental breakdown and God placed you on my heart to write this for you. Maybe that is the little reminder you needed today, that He truly loves you.

Prayer:

Lord thank you that you love us beyond anything. I pray for everyone who stumbles upon this post, that they will feel your love. Forgive us for even doubting your perfect love for us. I pray that you will help us not search for your love in the wrong places. Fill the voids that we have and we might not be aware of with your perfect love that casts out all fear. For anyone who needs a reminder I pray that You will reveal to them just how much You love them, even if it’s through a smile from a stranger or even a warm hug from a little child. Father just do that for them and hold them close like never before that they will never ever doubt that you love them. It’s in Jesus name that I prayed, with thanksgiving in my heart.

Amen.

P. S Besticles please go listen to Pieces by Bethel and Steffanny Gretzinger.

With love❤️

Matilda.

Hey❤️

Since I can’t seem to find I sleep I thought I should come on here and slay out my mind I guess. Pray for me thou, I have a long day today and no I am not complaining. Anywaaaays, if I could get a penny for all the times I contemplated suicide and self harm the previous year I would be rich by now.

Last year was the year I made a deliberate decision to get a therapist because I struggled so much with anxiety and depression. One day, I was in a middle of a mental breakdown and I told God to heal my heart so that I could tell my story and help another girl who went through the same thing. I told God that I didn’t want a huge platform or anything lest, pride takes a hold of me. I just wanted to be healed for the sake of that one girl. But to be honest it was more like a desperate prayer, I just wanted to stop hurting but anyways God listened.

To cut a long story short, I am doing much better then the previous year all thanks to Jesus. Last week I had to talk to a girl who went through the same exact thing as me. Oh boy I promise you I got really scared. I found myself contemplating if I should really tell my story or just keep quiet about it.But then I remembered the prayer I made last year. And I was like, oh wow God it’s really happening, You really did it.

And I was still like but God I am afraid and I am not really sure if I am completely healed from that. I had so many excuses and all I could remember is a certain preacher who said something like while you are busy making excuses and all, God will use someone who is ready and willing. In that moment I was like shoot, God I will do it because You are working through me all I have to do is show up and trust Your leading. The truth of the matter God had this in mind that is why it had to hurt me so much last year as I sought for my healing.

“God is not betting on us, He is betting on His power working through us.”

Pastor Sarah Jakes Roberts

I had to realize that doing purpose is not about me at all. It has really all been about Him and lol yes, I had nightmares before I met up with this girl but I prayed. This victory belongs to Jesus and this battle has already been won on the cross of Calvary (I just wanted to declare that).

Besty, if you are reading this and you know that God placed something on your heart but you are making excuses because of fear,I pray that this post will encourage you to step out in faith. Just do it, not because you are trusting in your own power but because you are sure that heaven is backing you up. Pastor Cora Jakes Coleman said, having a little fear is okay because you know that pride hasn’t taken ahold of you. Fear forces you to lean more unto God (paraphrased). I am cheering you on Besty, just put on your big girls pants and do it.

Prayer

Lord I am sorry for all the times we made it all about us and our silly excuses when it has always been about You. For all the times we didn’t step out in faith because we were too anxious to trust in You and in Your perfect plans, we are sorry and we choose to repent today. We are also sorry for all the times we didn’t give because we were too worried about tomorrow. I pray that we know what it means to truly trust in You completely. Thank You for trusting us with Your children that are so so dear to you and help us to not mess it up in the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen.

P.S I ended up telling my story.

I love y’all❤️

Matilda.

Heeey there besties, I know I have been quiet on here you can almost say I have forgotten about this blog. But no, this is my baby until the Lord tells me otherwise. Anywaaays, I know it’s so late for me to come on here and wish you a happy new year, but hey it’s better late than never. So happy 2022 my lovelies🥺🎉.

You know as we were almost cloaking the end of 2021, a lot of people were posting about their achievements, their milestones and how much they have accomplished in the previous year. If you are reading this and you are one of the many that bagged a degree, got married or moved to a new state congratulations Besty you must be proud of yourself.

I wanted to talk to the small percent of the population that feel left out, that feel like they haven’t accomplished anything the past year. I think that it’s not entirely true though, I beg to differ. Besty how about the times you showed up when you were not feeling okay? How about the nights you cried yourself to sleep and still made it to your friends party? How about the times you had a panic attack in the morning and still went for class? Or how about the self doubt that you had but you still managed to clear your exams? Or how about the courage you finally built up and walked away from your toxic ex or filed for a divorce? How about the grief and the sense of loss you fought through or even the depression you battled? Let’s not forget about the times you thought about quitting and you didn’t give in to that idea.

I think your strength is quite admirable and your courage is worth being noticed. If anyone didn’t say it, Besty I am proud of how well you handled that trauma and how well you showed up and even served. You truly can do all things and I mean all things through Christ who strengthens you. You should be proud of yourself and don’t let the enemy lie to you.

If 2021 didn’t go as you expected, I hope you took time to rest in God mostly, because that year was a lot. But Besty don’t let that hold you back from the possibilities of what 2022 has in store for you. So still be hopeful, because faithful is He that promised.

This year I pray that you will speak and declare things in your life out of faith. The Bible says that out of the words of his a mouth, a man’s belly shall be filled. I pray that this year you will not speak yourself out of God’s blessings for your life. I pray that you will not think negatively and use your tongue to curse yourself or even others. I pray that the Lord will restore every season that you have missed the previous year and May He restore everything that the cankerworms have stolen from you IJN. I pray that your relationship with Him will deepen and that you will walk in His love. In the mighty name of Jesus.

Amen.

Love always❤️

Matilda.

I often find myself replaying words said about me. “Matilda is too this or that” and often times it lowers my mood, or rather it always makes me sad. And yet again I think of the power that the Lord Jesus has bestowed on me. He has given me the power to demolish arguments and every thought that seeks to exalt itself high above the knowledge of Jesus ( 1 Corinthians 10:5).

I know that I am a blogger, no doubt about that and if I can truly be frank with you, most of my pieces are written in times when I am trying to escape the war in my mind. Lol sorry to disappoint you, I am not a perfect at all, I have mental issues that I am trying to unpack with Jesus and therapy. Maybe now it’s safe for you to remove me from that high pedestal you placed me on😭.

There are rumors and a lot of stuff I heard about God healing troubled or traumatized minds. And I truly want to experience that for myself. I don’t want to live off on other people’s testimonies about Him. I want to have my own encounter with Him and use it as my personal reference point. I want to know how my carnal mind can collide with divinity.

The words spoken about me are always trying to raise themselves up against the knowledge that I have about God so it is safe to call them Antichrists. Now the fun fact is that, you are probably thinking that I am talking about the bad stuff spoken about me, and you are right. I am not talking about the good stuff right now. Lol, someone is probably saying “why are you focusing so much on them then?” Lol, I am human my darling. But I hear you thou, enough about the bad stuff.

I know of people who said good things about me, if I could I would list their names, but y’all know yourselves so bless their hearts Lord (someone pass me a box of tissues 🤧). But I don’t want their words to get to me too much, lest I become addicted to people’s validation of which I sought for so much in my recent past. I want to only look and see myself in the mirror of God’s word. Everything He said about me, that’s what I want to get high on, so that I am not shaken or cast down when I hear rumors about myself again. When I begin to see Christ embodied in me every time I look in the mirror and not just an ordinary girl named Matilda, then I can confidently say that my carnal mind has finally collided with His divinity.

“Why art thou cast down, O my soul?”

The past few months have been really hard. I was tested and tried, lol let’s not even talk about my mental health. Truth is in our moments of trials, the enemy comes to test us because of a certain word that we received from God. He comes to test us to see if we really believe that God’s strength is made perfect in our weaknesses or if we truly believe that we are fearfully and wonderfully made. Oh I wish I could say that, in my moments of breakdowns I have it all figured out, but I would be lying to you.

Anyways chiiile, I don’t want to get out of topic. I came on here to encourage us (yes me included). I noticed that in this season I catch myself playing victim more times than I would truly admit it. But the previous night something just settled within me, it must be because the short snippets of my mentors sharing on the group. She said that, often times when the enemy is trying to tear us apart we tend to ask questions like “why me? why would he be targeting me?” These often leads us to a place where we even begin to doubt our worth and our identity in God. We tend to downsize everything else that the Lord has spoken over us and our destinies. Doubt begins to fill our hearts and sooner then we know it we are in a depressed state.

My mentor said if you weren’t really worth it like what the enemy makes you believe why would he bother really? Why would he want to destroy someone who is worthless? The truth is, the enemy knows stuff about us that we sometimes struggle to lay ahold of. That’s why the enemy targets people from infancy, y’all know how King Herod targeted Jesus because He was going to be the ultimate Savior of the world, that is why the enemy wanted Him dead. Chiiile, you are a threat to the kingdom of darkness that is why he is targeting you so much. Things don’t go well with you because you are the generational curse breaker. You are who your bloodline has been waiting on.

It’s all about our mindsets really, I believe the sooner we realize who we are then we can fight from a place of true authority. From a place where we know that yes, I am scared the weapons are terrifying me, but they won’t prosper because that’s His promise for me.

“It doesn’t mean that the weapons didn’t scare me, it just means that they didn’t prosper.”

Pastor Sarah Jakes Roberts

The enemy doesn’t care about the pity parties that we throw. He is more concerned about his job, which is to steal, kill and destroy. Once he is done, he moves onto the next victim. He understands that if he comes for you and finishes you off, a lot of destinies will be not be preserved.

In this season we will need to be prayed up, we have to guard our hearts and most importantly try to always remember what God has spoken over us. There is a certain preacher (forgot his name) who said part of healing is remembering who we are when we are triggered and I couldn’t agree more. Perspective is really a game changer, once you see it from God’s point of view that’s it, you have lost the enemy and all his dirty schemes. Anywhoo, here is a tip from SJR to me and you;

“Sometimes you have to write down words from God, don’t let a good word just get down in your spirit and move on. You better take that word and write it down, because you better believe that the enemy is coming to figure out how much you remember of that word”.

First Lady Sarah Jakes Roberts

I would love to give a disclaimer though, this post is not to encourage you to be up against the giants alone. Please reach out to anyone who you trust, go for therapy and allow people to walk with you, because we truly cannot do life alone. I also want to dismiss the notion that going for therapy or seeking help is a weakness. No hunnay, speaking about things that are troubling you is bravery to me. It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable. And it’s in our vulnerability that God’s strength and our healing begins because then you are exposing the enemy, who thrives in secrecy.

My prayer is that we heal, pray for me as I pray for you.

From my heart to yours❤️

Matilda

When we are broken, we respond to literally everything from a point of that brokenness. I will tell you a story about myself. I knew rejection from a young age (story for another day), I never really knew how to accept genuine love without questioning it. As a result, I settled for the bare minimum, anything that had a glimpse of love whether real or not I settled for that. I settled for toxic relationships whether friendships or love relationships or situationships you name it. But God allowed me to meet one of the people that love me genuinely, and that is my mother in the faith Pastor Gladys Paswani. I never actually believed it until this year, on the day before my birthday. She would constantly say to me “I love you Matilda, I pray you never forget that” and of course I would respond and say I love you too mum and I will never forget. But it never actually sunk within deep in my spirit. I would always ask myself, like why does she love me? I am not even a perfect girl, and I don’t buy her flowers every year on her birthday. To cut, a long story short I doubted her love for me because I was such a broken girl.

That’s the thing I learnt about brokenness and its cousin rejection, they teach you that you need to perform in order to be loved. In my previous post I spoke about shame (lol yes please feel free to go read it my sweerie☺️), one of its root cause is rejection. These guys make you think that you have to be a certain way so that you can be loved. But that’s a pure lie, God loves us without performance. He chose us first before we even said yes to Him (John 15:16). In His abundant love, He sacrificed His only Son for us (John 3:16). Like my friend Michelle would say “I mean if you didn’t cause someone to love you in the first place, what makes you think, something you do will make you stop them from loving you?”. (Inserts fire emojies).

Child of God, I really hope you know that there is nothing you can do to make God love you less or more. I told you I doubted mum’s love for me, because there are times when she told me not to do somethings or not respond to stuff in a certain way. And I still did it. Then I would still go back crying to her and she would patiently solve the stuff for me without making me feel like I am a problem.

That for me is true love and it’s how God loves us. The Bible says that He is a good Shepherd who leaves the 99 sheep to find find the one sheep that is lost. As if that’s not enough He welcomes back the lost sheep with songs of rejoicing (Mathew 18:12-14). Oh what a manner of love😭?

The late Bishop Noah Paswani, would often refer to an impure heart (filled with brokenness, anger and offense) as like having glasses with dirty lenses. Everything that you see with them will of course appear blurry, because your view is distorted (paraphrased).

To be honest, I feel like I am out of topic. But I know there is so much brokenness in the world. So if you have the opportunity to be the light in someone’s life please do that, extend love to the broken people because they need it. For anyone who feels so broken and you tried everything (drugs, alcohol, sex or anything) but it didn’t work, I am here to tell you that there is a Healer and His name is Jesus. There are voids that only He can truly fill. Often times the lie is that, if you are broken you will never be whole again. That’s what the enemy makes you feel like. But when Jesus heals, He heals completely. There is nothing that’s too broken, that He can’t rebuild or rather make whole. I pray that you will lay everything at His feet because He longs to heal you. I pray that the Lord will clean those dirty lenses for you. And that He will raise up people for you that can be nothing but a resemblance of His genuine love for you. May He mend your broken heart and may He be your Friend that sticks closer than a brother. Like how in Psalms 34, the bible says He is close to the broken-hearted and those that are crushed in spirit. I pray that He will be so close to you and that His love will overwhelm you so much that you feel safe enough to cry out to Him. In the name of Jesus.

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light”.
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28-30‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Love and Light

Matilda❤️

Does anyone love Snapchat on here, no okay? Chiiiile anyways, I remember seeing a snap that was captioned something like “When God was giving out shame,I overslept…..” I won’t lie to you guys, when I saw that caption something in me cringed, no actually my spirit man literally screamed “NO, that isn’t true.” Shame is not from God at all. Let’s have a look at the scriptures, because that’s the standard truth:

“Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.”
‭‭Genesis‬ ‭2:25‬ ‭NLT‬‬

When the Lord created Adam and Eve,He placed them in the garden of Eden and they were both naked, but they felt no shame. My aim is not to bash people’s posts or anything, but as someone who struggled with shame for as long as I can remember. I know that without a shadow of doubt that shame is not from God.

Author and speaker Brenè Brown defines shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Many people confuse shame with guilt, but those are two different things. Guilt makes you feel bad for doing something wrong or rather causing a problem and it often leads you to repentance. Shame on the other hand makes you feel like you are the problem.

I am so self conscious and to be honest and I don’t really like talking in front of crowds. That’s what shame teaches you to do, it teaches you how to hide so that you sort of become “invisible.” Oh what a lie from the enemy, the Lord says we are a light of the world, like a city set on a hilltop we cannot be hidden ( Mathew 5:14-15).

In her book If you could see as Jesus sees, author Elizabeth Oates lists a number of things that cause people to feel shame and they are: pride, missed opportunities, poor choices, sexual impurity, eating disorders, sexual abuse or assault, addictions, family dysfunction, failure, social economic status and to add to that rejection too. When I look at that list all I can see are things that come about because of human will and not because God “gave them to us in form of shame.” Even when we look into the book of Genesis, it speaks of how when Eve and Adam ate the fruit their eyes were opened and they suddenly felt shame because of their nakedness (Genesis 3:7). I hope you remember that at the beginning they felt no shame, until they ate the fruit.

God doesn’t give shame, He is the giver of abundant life (John 10:10). He is goodness in itself (Exodus 33:18-19) and love in a form that I can never comprehend, because I don’t know if there is anyone who can explain love that sacrifices His only Son for our sakes (John 3:16). He gives peace (John 14:27), He offers forgiveness and redemption (2 Corinthians 5:17). He covers and protects us (Psalm 91). He renews our minds (Romans 12:2) and gives us strength when we are weak ( 2 Corinthians 12:9). His grace runs deeper than our mess (Romans 5:12-21). He provides for our needs according to His riches in glory (Philippians 4:19). He doesn’t give shame lol.

My therapist said and I quote, “Social media is NOT a safe space. Engage with wisdom and always do your own research.” Some captions sound really catchy and maybe they might be trending, but they don’t hold any truth in them. So we ought to be careful to not follow trends or let alone believe everything we read on social media.

For someone who is struggling with shame know that the shame that fell on you fell on Christ. I pray that you will find truth in God’s word. May His love wash over you so mightily that it sets you free from the shackles of shame. May you know that you belong just as much as you think the person beside you or next to you does. I pray that you will know that before you came in this world He validated you, He knew you by name and that you are precious and so loved by Him. I pray the Lord will revive your courage and that when you walk into certain rooms where you feel intimidated, He will help you walk with your head held high and may you know that you are capable because the One who lives on the inside of you, is far much greater than the one who is living in the world.

In the name of Jesus.

Amen.

Go listen to Graves into Gardens by Elevation Worship.

Sending you all my love:

Matilda ❤️

Y’all know that comparison thing that convinces you that some people have it easy? Yeah that one. Sorry to bust your bubble, but I believe that no one really has it easy. You meet people that grew up in stable homes, but fight with severe depression , or the child who does so well in school but deep down lies a fear of being deemed not good enough or the one who simply doesn’t participate in sports or isn’t part of the debate club because they fight a shame so deep that the last thing they want is to feel exposed. The truth is we have all been dealt with cards and we can’t control them,we can only learn how to play.

So now the question is how do we play? Do we go on doing life complaining or do we do anything in our power to help us heal from childhood trauma and experiences? I for once chose to complain about certain things that happened to me, things I literally didn’t have control over. I made it a point to always have a reason as to why I am not this or that. Most of the times it wasn’t necessarily that I went explaining myself to people but these were things I would constantly tell myself. But one day I just got tired hey.

I was tired of telling myself that I can’t do it because of a specific thing that happened to me. I became tired of confining myself in little boxes or simply limiting myself. That’s when I began to realize that sometimes you have to pursue healing because your whole life depends on it. In as much we can go for therapy or counselling which is good (I have a therapist too), these people can only do as much, but if you don’t have the desire and intentionality to heal. Then sorry my friend, you will continue complaining about the cards you have been dealt with, instead of just playing.

I don’t know what your issue is, or what cards you have been dealt with, but I know that Jesus heals all wounds. The truth in life is nobody really owes us anything, I know it sounds harsh but it’s the truth. Sometimes you have to cry to God yourself because only you and Him know the depth of that thing that keeps you up at night and oh He is such a gentle God He will wait for you to personally invite Him into that situation.

As I am typing all these, I am thinking of a perfect example from the Bible and no one comes close to the woman who had an issue of blood (Mathew 9:18-24). My guy the bible says she had hemorrhage for 12 consecutive years not months but years. I don’t think she deserved it or she did anything bad and was being punished for it, it was simply a card she was dealt with. But she said to herself “If only I can touch the hem of His garment,I will be healed”.

This woman had an issue that she clearly didn’t deserve but, she found herself in it. And instead of complaining she sought after her healing. She could have simply sent someone to go and call Jesus because back in the days, she was considered to be unclean and anybody who came in contact with her automatically became unclean. But she didn’t let that stop her. If it was in the modern days she could have sent an email or a text but she had an agenda to seek Jesus for her own healing,because nobody owes us anything.

I really don’t know what cards you have been dealt with, or what issues you have but I am writing this to remind you that the healing that you need is available. Only you have to take the first step and go after it. The Lord says come to me, all you who are weary and heavily burdened and I will give you rest, not some but ALL (Mathew 11:38). I honestly think it’s time you go to Him, because those issues, those painful memories and those hurtful words said to you are really taking such a huge toll on you.

Baby your wings aren’t broken, they are just rusted. Oil them and soar.

Love and Prayers

Matilda❤️

Last Sunday I sat in church crying out my eyes as I questioned God’s love for me (Yeah I know, how dare I?). Before we go down the judgmental road lol, lemme give you a glimpse of what led me to that place.

I am a girl who has walked through life with so much pain and shame, I was mad at the world. Sometimes last year, I embarked on a journey to heal from a traumatic encounter that happened during my childhood years. But hey, I am not saying I was entitled to question God’s abundant love for me just because the world hasn’t been what I would call a place of warmth. But I guess due to carnality I found myself at such a place hey.

As I continued to tread upon such thoughts throughout the past fews days, the Holy Spirit began to minister to my heart (thank you for the Holy Spirit Lord🥺):

The love of God is the death of an only begotten Son on the cross. It is a Father knowing that I will probably not open the Bible or say a prayer the next day, but still He wakes me up. Love is God fighting battles on my behalf that I will never know about, this love is Him delaying buses and cabs to protect me from accidents and the arrows of the enemy, yet I frown and complain as I check the time on my wrist watch, that I got from my mom on my birthday (still His love in a hidden form). His love is the promise He wrote for you and me in John 3:16; a love that overlooks my shortcomings and mistakes. A love that came to save me and you through salvation. A love that sees my brokenness and still calls me His friend.

Love is God. That is He who He is. The Bible says that He remains the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8)~ He is a constant love. Love is a Father who convicts me to leave toxic relationships and to live for His glory. Love is God providing for my meals and my expenses, which I know is His provision, but it has a touch of His love too. We all know that hunger can kill you literally, and anyone who provides for your food, does it out of love. Love is God who crafted me in love and knitted me together wonderfully and fearfully in my mother’s womb. Love is God who knows the plans that He has for me, to not harm me but to give me hope and an expected end. Love is God healing my heart and my physical body from ailments and sicknesses. Love is the family and friends that look out for me. Love is Him telling me to let go of things that will hinder my preservation and purpose. Love is the smile of a stranger. Love is the kind words from anyone that reassures my heart that He heard my prayers and so much more.

I will not be able to finish talking about the love of God for me, because I cannot put an end on it. But maybe, someone reading this is currently asking God like I did, like where was His love when this and that happened? I don’t really have a specific answer for you, but Reverend Mumba once said that, when we begin to question God like that, maybe just maybe His love was where it was the moment they were crucifying Jesus on the cross (paraphrased).

I understand how it feels to have such questions, trust me I do. But I want to let you you know that God doesn’t get angry when we ask. He understands because He is a high Priest who sympathizes with us in our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15). I just hope and pray that you seek Him for answers or for an encounter to be more specific. He will surely answer you.

“Sometimes, you are just an encounter away from your breakthrough”.

-Pastor Gladys Paswani

Prayer:

Lord thank you that your love is unconditional. I pray that you help us truly believe that we are loved, let it not just be something we say or write in our bios on the media that we loved but May we truly believe and walk in an awareness of your love. Forgive us when we doubt your love for us and help our unbelief.

In the name of Jesus.

Amen.

From my heart to yours❤️

Matilda.